As Autumn fades to winter..

So, April huh? Already? Yep, the time's just flown by. Even I can't believe it but Syd is almost nine months now. Almost a year already. And in all that time, how many posts have I done? About half a dozen? I haven't counted but it couldn't be too many, surely? Which must mean heaps of things have happened but, honestly, not too much. One thing that has happened is that I've quit my job.

It's funny when you do something like that. The question everyone asks is 'what are you going to do?' And my standard answer is, 'I've no idea.' Because I haven't. I've been doing reception/admin for the past six years, so I'm going for those positions but only because that's what I've been doing. I don't love it. I don't see it as a career. In fact, I don't see anything as a career. I'm not too far from 50 and I haven't had anything that could be called a career my whole life. I've stumbled from job to job and have never really had a big problem finding and obtaining work. Because I've always thought the work I was doing, would only be temporary anyway.

Anyone who's read this knows I'm a musician. But there's no money in music; not really. I know that, you know that but I can't help myself. Every new project I do, I imagine it's going to be the one. But it never is. I have a new project now; working with a female singer. A GREAT female singer. And I think it might be the one. But in my heart, I'm still pessimistic. Yet...who knows? Who knows? And does it matter? I try to tell myself it doesn't but it does. Because I can't stop and it's the only thing I'm reasonably good at. And isn't a career supposed to be something you're good at?

I didn't even want to write this; I've written this before and just rehashing old themes smacks of awfully lazy writing. My main point is that, I've not ever been able to find that other thing that I'm good at that should have become my career. Because, while being a musician is a noble endeavour, it doesn't put money in the bank or food on the table. Certainly not for everyone who attempts it at least. Nothing else motivates me though - not even writing. Yet, if I was all that motivated, shouldn't I have had a career in music by now? Moving away from inconvenient truths.....

Leaving my job, in theory, is a kick start to a new life. But with this new life comes new considerations. I'm no longer the 25 year old, single slackarse I once was. I'm married. That marriage has produced a child. As much as I've spent most of my entire adult life dodging responsibilities, I can no longer avoid that label. I'm now an 'adult.' (Which isn't to say that people without children are not adults - but that might be something for another entry.) I have to be part of the income stream and that means getting a job. But I've never known what I want to do. Not in high school, not through the years. I've done many different types of jobs but never anything that - well, not makes me happy so much as doesn't make me want to kill myself in the morning. There has to be something out there though. Even something similar to what I'm doing now. Because I still have many years of work left. Might as well do something that I can stand.

But what that something might be, I've no idea. I don't enjoy doing anything. Truth be told, I don't enjoy life all that much. Having said that, I'm certainly not taking the coward's way out. And I realise, having typed these words, that they're pretty cowardly on their own. These types of thoughts are so priviledged as to be disgusting. More people than I can possibly know are in such a worse position than me that I should be on my knees thanking whoever that I even have to chance to type drivel such as this. But it doesn't stop me from thinking it. And it hasn't stopped me from writing it.

In the end, does it matter if I'm happy in a job? No. Happiness in your work is highly overrated. Some achieve it; most do not. And, if I'm anything, I'm one of the most. So the point I need to focus on is not whether I can make anything a career but whether I can actually find another job to put money in the bank. I've got a pretty good feeling but, who knows? Who knows....