Friday, May 20, 2011

Abracadabra and all that jazz

Get ready people, it's our last chance to blog. You thought the Blogger meltdown was a catastrophe; you aint seen nothin' yet.

Because, as any good Christian (or anyone who reads the news or other people's blogs) will tell you: Saturday, May 21st, is the Rapture.

OOOOOOhhhh, scary.

Never mind that the Rapture has been predicted umpteen times before and passed us by without so much as a whisper; this Saturday, hang on to your hats. Two million Christians will ascend to the heavens with Jesus the Christ; while the rest of us endure five months of pandemonium before descending into hell.

What's the deal with the five months, by the way? Isn't hell enough? Or is this just a preparation? So when we get to hell we'll think, 'you know, that five months before wasn't so bad.'

But, while I'm digressing, I have a question. Will the Rapture only happen in the Northern Hemisphere? Or will there be two? Because, as any fool knows, we in the Southern Hemisphere are at least ten hours ahead of you guys. So will our Rapture actually be on the 22nd? Or will God somehow correspond all times so the Northern and Southern Hemispheres match up for the first time in ever? That would be a pretty good feat actually. Worthy of a God almost. I only ask though, because the Rapture is something you probably should prepare for. And, let's face it:

I wouldn't want to max out my credit cards prematurely.

7 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Who are the lucky 2 million? People ought to attach balloons and streamers to their feet, so they ascend to heaven in party spirit.

tennysoneehemingway said...

GB: That's the thing GB; only God knows. One thing I'm know, it sure won't be me.

Boulette de Viande! said...

The five months are at the root of all that is wrong with belief in god and all that is wrong with religion: it cannot coexist with other iterations of belief. I'm right, you're wrong, essentially. And, I'm so right, you'll see I'm right and be made to suffer and I'll get to go to heaven and look down and laugh at you and your suffering. Sounds very Christian, no? These Saturday doomsdayers are no different in my mind than anyone who believes in god, or in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. I remember when the Heaven's Gate folks offed themselves in their running suits and trainers to await the UFO that was to come and collect them and take them to their home planet. My Mom, a devout Catholic, scoffed. I told her, much to her dismay, that their faith was no different than her own. The next stage of human evolution demands the abandonment of religion. It's so absurd and repugnant, it's offensive to human development.

Bruce Coltin said...

I will not be packing a bag.

*uncorked said...

If the world ends tomorrow I'm going to be super pissed I spent today working.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

There you go using logic again. You'd better knock that off when dealing with mystic predictions. They don't exactly go hand-in-hand.

tennysoneehemingway said...

BV: too right.

Coltin: only if you're going on holiday.

V: damn, me too.

UB: Yes, I know. I'll desperately try not to use logic anymore but I can't really promise anything.