Wednesday, September 14, 2011

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye

Masturbation is something you hardly ever think about anymore, isn't it?

I mean, no one really bats an eye these days. I remember when I was in high school, and I hadn't even taken it up, masturbation was still really frowned upon. Anyone who admitted to it (and believe me, I don't remember anyone EVER admitting to it) was a poof. Yes, you were a homosexual if you masturbated because you were touching a penis. Granted, it was your penis, but still. If you were touching a penis - even your own - that meant that you liked it. And if you liked to touch one penis, then you obviously liked to touch others. And that, ipso facto, meant you were a poof. You weren't gay back then either. That came much later. Oh and, obviously, women NEVER masturbated. How could they? They don't have penises.

Nowadays, it would seem odd if you DIDN'T confess to masturbating. At least a little. I certainly think it's a bit odd, especially for a bloke. To not masturbate is to deny oneself one of the true pleasures of life. The simple things. And, let's face it, it's so easy for us blokes. The whole thing can be over in five minutes. Not for me though.

Five minutes is a marathon.

8 comments:

BeckEye said...

I'll never forget my 10th grade health class. I was one of only 3 girls in it, surrounded by a bunch of idiot boys, who acted like Beavis and Butthead at the mere mention of anything sexually-related. So, at the start of our sex ed portion of the class, the teacher asked what topics were appropriate to discuss openly. The majority of the kids, including myself, said that most topics were OK, but some things are private. And about 5 or 6 super-cool guys said that we should be able to discuss EVERYTHING...no topic was off-limits. So, the teacher had those guys go line up on one side of the classroom and then he turned to them and said, "OK guys, how often do you masturbate?" Suddenly the cool guys weren't so cool anymore. After standing there stammering and red-faced, the teacher finally let them sit down, content that he proved his point.

tennysoneehemingway said...

BRILLIANT!!! But I'm not so happy that you've proved my whole post wrong. Oh well.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The idea that only queer boys masturbate is pretty funny. I wonder if it was particular to your school, after a sexually repressed older boy announced it as dogma. These days, masturbation is only embarrassing when it involves getting stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

*uncorked said...

I like to touch penises. I am a poof! YES!

tennysoneehemingway said...

GB: thinking back, I think that IS how it all started.

V: and proud of it, I dare say.

Boulette de Viande! said...

Holy shit! I've been a poof since I was 8!

Professor Chaos said...

I remember hearing the masturbation = gay thing in high school too. I thought maybe I was the only straight boy smart enough to have figured out how great it was.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

What's this "peeeeenis" thing you keep talking about?

Actually I like to touch penises, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me gay...

If my mum reads this, I didn't say it, someone hijacked my account, ok?